Sunday Sermonette: Living biblically

I have only a passing acquaintance with moral philosophy, but I do know that philosophers make what amounts to a common sense distinction between morality based on principles, from which you try to figure what is right to do in a given situation; and lists of detailed, specific rules. Generally speaking, the law -- written statutes which are supposed to guide the decisions of judges and juries -- are mostly of the latter character. So that's what God is going to be laying down for Moses for the next while. But note that this is almost all of Old Testament morality. We get very little sense of what is right and wrong, but rather lengthy lists of dos and don'ts.

The thing is, 90% of it, from the perspective of modern cultures, is utterly abhorrent. Fundamentalist Christians claim that the Bible is the inerrant and literally true word of God, and they claim that the Bible is the foundation of their morality and personal code of conduct. Which just proves that they haven't read it. Here's Exodus 21. Note that Moses is up on the mountaintop by himself. We aren't told how the apparition works, if he's hearing the voice in his head or its coming out of the sky or what. Anyway, we have to take his word for it that God says all this.

These are the ordinances that you shall set before them:
² When you buy a male Hebrew slave, he shall serve six years, but in the seventh he shall go out a free person, without debt. ³ If he comes in single, he shall go out single; if he comes in married, then his wife shall go out with him. ⁴ If his master gives him a wife and she bears him sons or daughters, the wife and her children shall be her master’s and he shall go out alone. ⁵ 

Oh, so the owner can give a woman to his slave, and if the slave accepts his emancipation, the owner gets to keep the wife and kids. Are you living biblically Rev. Graham?

But if the slave declares, “I love my master, my wife, and my children; I will not go out a free person,” ⁶ then his master shall bring him before God.^[a] He shall be brought to the door or the doorpost; and his master shall pierce his ear with an awl; and he shall serve him for life.

So that's your choice: Your freedom or your wife and kids.

⁷ When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she shall not go out as the male slaves do. ⁸ 

Yep, it's just fine to sell your daughter into slavery. Here's Penn and Teller on this.  (Well, Penn. Teller doesn't have much to say.)

If she does not please her master, who designated her for himself, then he shall let her be redeemed; he shall have no right to sell her to a foreign people, since he has dealt unfairly with her. ⁹ If he designates her for his son, he shall deal with her as with a daughter. ¹⁰ If he takes another wife to himself, he shall not diminish the food, clothing, or marital rights of the first wife.^{[b] 11} And if he does not do these three things for her, she shall go out without debt, without payment of money.

Okay, so if you buy a guy's daughter, you are free to rape her, but if you don't fancy her, you aren't allowed to sell her to foreigners. That's nice. You can also give her to your son. Oh, was marriage supposed to be between one man and one woman? Nope, as many women as you want, apparently. Still living biblically, Rev. Graham?

¹² Whoever strikes a person mortally shall be put to death. ¹³ If it was not premeditated, but came about by an act of God, then I will appoint for you a place to which the killer may flee. ¹⁴ But if someone willfully attacks and kills another by treachery, you shall take the killer from my altar for execution.

We still make the distinction between impulsive and premeditated murder, but we do consider crimes of passion to be crimes. Not so here, the killer just has to leave town.

¹⁵ Whoever strikes father or mother shall be put to death.
¹⁶ Whoever kidnaps a person, whether that person has been sold or is still held in possession, shall be put to death.

I'm all for the latter, but it would have been bad news for Joseph's brothers had it been in force at the time. Just sayin'.

¹⁷ Whoever curses father or mother shall be put to death.

This seems a bit much, no?

¹⁸ When individuals quarrel and one strikes the other with a stone or fist so that the injured party, though not dead, is confined to bed, ¹⁹ but recovers and walks around outside with the help of a staff, then the assailant shall be free of liability, except to pay for the loss of time, and to arrange for full recovery.

So if you hit a guy with a rock, you have to pay him for his lost time and his care, but that's it.

²⁰ When a slaveowner strikes a male or female slave with a rod and the slave dies immediately, the owner shall be punished. ²¹ But if the slave survives a day or two, there is no punishment; for the slave is the owner’s property.

So if you want to beat your slave to death, just make sure they linger for a day or two before dying. Then it's okay.

²² When people who are fighting injure a pregnant woman so that there is a miscarriage, and yet no further harm follows, the one responsible shall be fined what the woman’s husband demands, paying as much as the judges determine. ²³ 

In other words the fetus is the property of the husband, not human life, and the penalty for causing an (involuntary) abortion is financial compensation for the father. Just so we're clear about this Rev. Graham.

If any harm follows, then you shall give life for life, ²⁴ eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, ²⁵ burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe.
²⁶ When a slaveowner strikes the eye of a male or female slave, destroying it, the owner shall let the slave go, a free person, to compensate for the eye. ²⁷ If the owner knocks out a tooth of a male or female slave, the slave shall be let go, a free person, to compensate for the tooth.

So if you want to beat your slaves short of killing them, just be careful not to knock their eyes or teeth out.

²⁸ When an ox gores a man or a woman to death, the ox shall be stoned, and its flesh shall not be eaten; but the owner of the ox shall not be liable. ²⁹ If the ox has been accustomed to gore in the past, and its owner has been warned but has not restrained it, and it kills a man or a woman, the ox shall be stoned, and its owner also shall be put to death. ³⁰ If a ransom is imposed on the owner, then the owner shall pay whatever is imposed for the redemption of the victim’s life. ³¹ If it gores a boy or a girl, the owner shall be dealt with according to this same rule. ³² If the ox gores a male or female slave, the owner shall pay to the slaveowner thirty shekels of silver, and the ox shall be stoned.

So a slave's life is worth 30 shekels, good to know

³³ If someone leaves a pit open, or digs a pit and does not cover it, and an ox or a donkey falls into it, ³⁴ the owner of the pit shall make restitution, giving money to its owner, but keeping the dead animal.
³⁵ If someone’s ox hurts the ox of another, so that it dies, then they shall sell the live ox and divide the price of it; and the dead animal they shall also divide. ³⁶ But if it was known that the ox was accustomed to gore in the past, and its owner has not restrained it, the owner shall restore ox for ox, but keep the dead animal.

Whatev.

Footnotes:

1. Exodus 21:6 Or to the judges
2. Exodus 21:10 Heb of her