Map of life expectancy at birth from Global Education Project.

Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Tell it to God

Astonishingly, over the objections of James "Savanarola" Dobson and his corps of homosexuality detection experts and ninja bodyguards of the blastocyst, the House has voted to ease restrictions on federally funded embryonic stem cell research. Promising to veto the bill, "President" cuckoo bananas says "there is no such thing as a surplus embryo."

I know that scientific knowledge, including arithmetic, is all a satanic plot, but here's what Satan wants you to know about human embryos. The cell that results from the fusion of sperm and ovum is called a zygote. According to the Book of Falwell (a long-lost sixth book of the Torah, recently discovered but evidently having the authentic signature and hard to counterfeit hologram proving that it was indeed written by G. Almighty himself) the Zygote is a Human Being Whose Life Is Sacred.

There's bad news, however. Out of 100 zygotes, about 50 fail to implant in the uterus and uhh, well, there goes a Sacred Human Life down the toilet after the Koran. (Sorry, I retract that.) Of the remaining 50, 30% (that's 15, according to the Satanic Laws of Arithmetic) are simply sloughed off in what appears to be a normal, perhaps late, menstrual cycle and the woman probably will never know that she was preganant. The remaining 35 embryos will last at least 35 days, after which pregnancy may be recognized. Of these, 25% will die in utero, perhaps recognized as a miscarriage. That leaves about 26 of the original 100 zygotes unslain by G. Almighty.

Now that is one hell of a prolific baby murderer.

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