Being isolated here in the ivory tower with my chardonnay and brie, it's hard for me to understand those 40% of the people who tell pollsters they think the White House Occupant is doing a good job.
Things you have to believe to be a Republican:
- The universe was created 10,000 years ago. Or at least, there's a legitimate debate about whether it's 10,000 years old or maybe somewhat older, and we need to teach that debate in science class.
- A microscopic single cell has exactly the same moral status as a crying baby, if it happens to contain molecules of Deoxyribonucleic acid with nucleotide sequences characteristic of human beings. Jesus said so. It's in the Bible.
- The allegation that burning fossil fuels is increasing the concentration of CO2 in the atmosphere, thereby causing the globe to get warmer, is a hoax perpetrated by environmentalists in order to get foundation grants.
- Saddam Hussein attacked the United States on September 11, 2001.
- The United States is in a war against Terror, aka The Evildoers, which will go on until the President says its over, or forever, whichever comes first. As long as We're At War, the President must have the same powers as Adolf Hitler in Nazi Germany, or you and your family will not be safe. People who don't want him to have those powers care about The Evildoers more than they care about your family.
- Osama bin Laden, the leader of Terror, aka The Evildoers, is as dangerous as Hitler or Stalin.
- Osama bin Laden really doesn't matter. We're not that concerned about him.
- If people of the same sex are allowed to marry, my family will be destroyed.
- If we don't repeal the Death Tax, I won't be able to pass on my raised ranch and my 87 Ford Ranger pickup to my kids.
- Iraq is a shining example of democracy which will transform the Middle East. People in Iraq used to get tortured and killed, they couldn't practice their religion freely, and women had to do difficult jobs like being college professors and engineers. Now people can practice their religion freely (even though they get tortured and killed for it), and women get to stay home all the time so they won't be kidnapped and raped. Anyhow, we had to invade because Saddam Hussein attacked us on Sept. 11 2001, he had huge stockpiles of chemical and biological weapons that he was planning to give to Osama bin Lade, he was making nuclear bombs, and he's an Evildoer.
- Democrats are the party of fiscal irresponsibility. We need to keep Republicans in office so they can't run up huge budget deficits.
I'm sure you can think of a few more but that's enough for now. As usual, I'm out of here until Sunday.