Map of life expectancy at birth from Global Education Project.

Friday, April 15, 2005

News of the Future

I'm working on a couple of stories that will rearrange the tectonic plates in Washington.

  • James Dobson threatens to withdraw support from the Republican Party unless the Bush administration attacks Rupert Murdoch's pornography business. Perp walks of hotel executives for providing obscene pay-per-view programming in rooms begin the next week.
  • Congress votes to establish a National Institute of Creation Science at NIH, with initial funding of $1 billion annually. Bush signs bill in lavish ceremony at Bob Jones University.
  • Tom DeLay realizes that it is his duty to save Joe Leiberman's immortal soul by bringing him to Christ. DeLay takes to spending two or three hours a day on the Senate side, lurking in the corridors for opportunities to buttonhole the Senator and hanging out in Lieberman's office anteroom pressing tracts into the hands of visitors. Lieberman finally complains publicly when DeLay hires a minister to disguise himself as a waiter and "accidentally" baptize Lieberman with a pitcher of ice water at the annual National Press Club roast.
  • Major cabinet reorganization passes, subsuming the Depts. of Health and Human Services, Education, Labor and Energy and the EPA in the new Department of Religious Affairs. Bush appoints General Boykin as its first Secretary. On the way to his confirmaion hearings, Boykin trips on the Capitol steps, falls on his head, and enters a persistent vegetative state. He is confirmed anyway, with Senators Lieberman, Feinstein and Biden voting with the majority. Says Sen. Biden, "The President is entitled to the cabinet he wants."
  • Congress votes to establish system of debt servitude. Major credit card company MBNA establishes a slave labor compound in Alabama, which takes over back office operations formerly located in Bangalore. Move is widely praised as an effective response to the problem of outsourcing jobs to Asia. Ralph Nader issues a joint press release with Grover Norquist celebrating the new system as promising to lower the cost of credit for consumers.

Remember, you read it here first.

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