Statement of Eldrick "Tiger" Woods

I happen to be highly skilled at hitting a little ball with an elaborately engineered stick and making it go where I want it to. People like to watch me do this on TV, so I get a lot of big money prizes for doing it. I make even more money because corporations paid me to be in their ads on the theory that it would cause you to witlessly associate their products with wealth, fame, and a good golf game, thereby causing you to buy Rolexes and Buicks. Consequently, I accumulated a billion dollars, of which I spent 50 or 60 thousand a month to keep women of easy virtue on retainer to satisfy my soulless hypersexuality. Why would you even give a shit? It has nothing to do with golf. I can afford it. My wife isn't happy about it but that's between her and me. What's the matter with you people anyway? Get a life. Sheesh.