Map of life expectancy at birth from Global Education Project.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Our Little Judy

Poor Judy is a victim of cruel fate. If there had just been the itsyest-bitsyest, teeniest-weeniest yellow polka dot Weapon of Mass Destruction™ in Iraq, her life today would be so much more gay. But the U.S. Army couldn't even find a lousy can of Raid! Judy knew she could do better, so she had her Very Important Friends let her join a special, secret super-macho army unit looking for the Weapons of Mass Destruction™. Because she had Very Important Friends, Judy even started giving the orders.

They even let Judy torture the Iraqi generals! She'd unzip her botox kit and pull out a hypodermic needle. Brandishing it over her head, with her thumb on the plunger, she would scream at them with feline intensity. "Tell us where the Weapons of Mass Destruction™ are, or I'll inject botulism toxin into your face!"

The Iraqi generals begged and cried, but no matter how wrinkle-free they became, they couldn't tell her what she wanted to know. The Weapons of Mass Destruction™, it seems, were nothing but a desert mirage.

Now, as Judy eats her cartilaginous meat loaf and mushy peas off of a stainless steel tray, does she finally realize? When you throw in your lot with thieves, don't be surprised when they turn out not to really be your friends after all.

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