Bernie Madoff's mistress reveals that Bernie had big houses and big yachts but:
"Bernie had a very small penis," she wrote. "Not only was it on the short side, it was small in circumference. That he was now pointing it out to me was telling. It clearly caused him great angst. I wanted to be careful how I responded. Men and their penises have a strange and unique relationship."
Still, she said: "I liked this man and didn’t want to emasculate him. His tiny penis hadn’t prevented me from climaxing."
"On the bright side," she concluded, because of its size, "oral sex would be a breeze."
No, this is not The Onion. I only wish.