Map of life expectancy at birth from Global Education Project.

Saturday, August 01, 2009

News Update

Michael Jackson is still dead! And he continues to be an inspiration to millions. Why, I myself had trouble sleeping last night, so I had my doctor come over and anesthetize me. I'm still a little woolly-headed (I hope it doesn't show), and I can't remember anything that happened after about 5:30 pm, but I tell ya, there's nothing like a refreshing night's coma.

Some people named Jon and Kate are doing something or other, but I can't figure out what it is or who the hell they are.

The former pretzel dent is laying low, quietly raising obscene amounts of money for his pretzel dentical lie berry. I'm not sure why people are contributing, since he no longer possesses the power of the pardon and it's unlikely he knows nearly as much for blackmail purposes as outsiders suppose. Come to think of it though, they did let him wander around the White House so he might have overheard something. Of course, if he didn't have somebody write it down for him, he's unlikely to remember it clearly.

There is a missing white woman.

Barack Obama's choice of Bud Light proves he is secretly plotting to turn the country over to Belgium. And you thought he was Kenyan.

Apparently I owe you my report on the risk perception focus group thing. Patience, I'll get to it.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Michael Jackson may have been weird, and may have done things in ways most people wouldn’t have, but he was also a legend. One that will be missed by everyone who was ever once touched by his music.