Sunday Sermonette: Get me rewrite!

If the Bible is indeed the divinely inspired word of God, the deity is seriously deficient in literary talent. We have seen how he can't seem to keep his stories straight, he keeps mentioning characters who are irrelevant to the plot, for no apparent reason, it's often difficult to figure out what he really means. Also, there is a weird tendency to give not enough information sometimes, and to be repetitive and turgid at others. Genesis 24 is in the latter category. In the second half, the unnamed slave tells the story of the first half all over again.

²⁶ Then the man bowed down and worshiped the Lord, ²⁷ saying, “Praise be to the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who has not abandoned his kindness and faithfulness to my master. As for me, the Lord has led me on the journey to the house of my master’s relatives.”
²⁸ The young woman ran and told her mother’s household about these things. ²⁹ Now Rebekah had a brother named Laban, and he hurried out to the man at the spring. ³⁰ As soon as he had seen the nose ring, and the bracelets on his sister’s arms, and had heard Rebekah tell what the man said to her, he went out to the man and found him standing by the camels near the spring. ³¹ “Come, you who are blessed by the Lord,” he said. “Why are you standing out here? I have prepared the house and a place for the camels.”
³² So the man went to the house, and the camels were unloaded. Straw and fodder were brought for the camels, and water for him and his men to wash their feet. ³³ Then food was set before him, but he said, “I will not eat until I have told you what I have to say.”
“Then tell us,” Laban said.
³⁴ So he said, “I am Abraham’s servant. ³⁵ The Lord has blessed my master abundantly, and he has become wealthy. He has given him sheep and cattle, silver and gold, male and female servants, and camels and donkeys. ³⁶ My master’s wife Sarah has borne him a son in her old age, and he has given him everything he owns. ³⁷ And my master made me swear an oath, and said, ‘You must not get a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I live, ³⁸ but go to my father’s family and to my own clan, and get a wife for my son.’
³⁹ “Then I asked my master, ‘What if the woman will not come back with me?’
⁴⁰ “He replied, ‘The Lord, before whom I have walked faithfully, will send his angel with you and make your journey a success, so that you can get a wife for my son from my own clan and from my father’s family. ⁴¹ You will be released from my oath if, when you go to my clan, they refuse to give her to you—then you will be released from my oath.’
⁴² “When I came to the spring today, I said, ‘Lord, God of my master Abraham, if you will, please grant success to the journey on which I have come. ⁴³ See, I am standing beside this spring. If a young woman comes out to draw water and I say to her, “Please let me drink a little water from your jar,” ⁴⁴ and if she says to me, “Drink, and I’ll draw water for your camels too,” let her be the one the Lord has chosen for my master’s son.’
⁴⁵ “Before I finished praying in my heart, Rebekah came out, with her jar on her shoulder. She went down to the spring and drew water, and I said to her, ‘Please give me a drink.’
⁴⁶ “She quickly lowered her jar from her shoulder and said, ‘Drink, and I’ll water your camels too.’ So I drank, and she watered the camels also.
⁴⁷ “I asked her, ‘Whose daughter are you?’
“She said, ‘The daughter of Bethuel son of Nahor, whom Milkah bore to him.’
“Then I put the ring in her nose and the bracelets on her arms, ⁴⁸ and I bowed down and worshiped the Lord. I praised the Lord, the God of my master Abraham, who had led me on the right road to get the granddaughter of my master’s brother for his son. ⁴⁹ Now if you will show kindness and faithfulness to my master, tell me; and if not, tell me, so I may know which way to turn.”

 So okay, we got that. Why not just say the man recounted for the family all that had occurred?

⁵⁰ Laban and Bethuel answered, “This is from the Lord; we can say nothing to you one way or the other. ⁵¹ Here is Rebekah; take her and go, and let her become the wife of your master’s son, as the Lord has directed.”

So Rebekah doesn't have any choice in the matter.

⁵² When Abraham’s servant heard what they said, he bowed down to the ground before the Lord. ⁵³ Then the servant brought out gold and silver jewelry and articles of clothing and gave them to Rebekah; he also gave costly gifts to her brother and to her mother. ⁵⁴ Then he and the men who were with him ate and drank and spent the night there.
When they got up the next morning, he said, “Send me on my way to my master.”
⁵⁵ But her brother and her mother replied, “Let the young woman remain with us ten days or so; then you may go.”
⁵⁶ But he said to them, “Do not detain me, now that the Lord has granted success to my journey. Send me on my way so I may go to my master.”
⁵⁷ Then they said, “Let’s call the young woman and ask her about it.” ⁵⁸ So they called Rebekah and asked her, “Will you go with this man?”
“I will go,” she said.
⁵⁹ So they sent their sister Rebekah on her way, along with her nurse and Abraham’s servant and his men. ⁶⁰ And they blessed Rebekah and said to her,

“Our sister, may you increase
    to thousands upon thousands;
may your offspring possess
    the cities of their enemies.”

As usual, the NIV cleans things up a bit. King James has:

And they blessed Rebekah, and said unto her, Thou art our sister, be thou the mother of thousands of millions, and let thy seed possess the gate of those which hate them.

As usual, we get a prophecy of vast multitudes (billions in this case) of Jews. The Jews of course have never become very numerous. 

⁶¹ Then Rebekah and her attendants got ready and mounted the camels and went back with the man. So the servant took Rebekah and left.

⁶² Now Isaac had come from Beer Lahai Roi, for he was living in the Negev. ⁶³ He went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching. ⁶⁴ Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac. She got down from her camel ⁶⁵ and asked the servant, “Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?”
“He is my master,” the servant answered. So she took her veil and covered herself.
⁶⁶ Then the servant told Isaac all he had done. ⁶⁷ Isaac brought her into the tent of his mother Sarah, and he married Rebekah. So she became his wife, and he loved her; and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.

 Again, King James has " And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death." No marriage ceremony, no vows, Isaac just boinks her and that's that. Rather creepy that he did it in his dead mother's tent. Why is it still there after two years? Anyway, we finally got all that out of the way.