Los Olympicos

1) Here in the eastern time zone, NBC's Olympics coverage has consisted of a relentless, endless diet of beach volleyball. Early last week, they threw in a bit of the largely meaningless gymnastics qualifying and the world's most popular sport, synchronized platform diving, but from Wednesday on NBC has been the Beach Volleyball Channel, interrupted only for trips by Mary Carillo to the Great Wall or to the local restaurant to try the civet cat.

Saturday I had to go build my house, and Sunday I had some chores to do, but I figured Sunday evening they would have to cover something else but no, I switched on the teevee at 5:00 and there was yet another beach volleyball match. I know that other stuff has been going on because I read about it in the papers, but that's because sportswriters get to stay up till 3:00 am and are also allowed to watch TV during the day. For those of us on the east coast with jobs, the Olympics is from 8:00 pm to 10:00 pm, and NBC has decided that what we want to see, everything we want to see, and the only thing we want to see, is beach volleyball.

DEAR MR. COSTAS: I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT BEACH VOLLEYBALL! I DO NOT WANT TO SEE OR HEAR ONE MORE THING ABOUT IT, NOT FOR ONE SINGLE SECOND. MAKE IT GO AWAY. MAKE IT NOT EXIST. That is all. The players can't even wear proper clothing. It's indecent.

As I say, I know other stuff has been going on because I read about, although I haven't actually been permitted to see any of it.

2) Naturally, the world's fastest human is named Usain Bolt. He's the world's fastest human even when he sticks his arms out like a little kid pretending to be an airplane. If he ran normally, he would break the speed of light barrier and go into the past, where he might accidentally kill his own grandfather, thereby destroying the future, which is our present. So he's careful not to do it.

3) As the World's Greatest Athlete, Michael Phelps could be -- well, you know what he could be doing. Instead, he just wants to hang out with mother and sisters. Entirely too wholesome, if you ask me.

4) Female -- you can't say woman -- gymnasts used to be tiny pixieish waifs. Now, they're still short of stature but they're built like tanks, except for the Chinese, who are 12 years old. Buzzy Bissinger, who I went to school with for two years but who wouldn't remember me because I was a nerd, but I get to call him Buzzy anyway, thinks that female gymnastics is child abuse. I have had no personal contact with girls' gymnastics, but the ones who make it to the top seem to like being there, and I don't see how any of Buzzy's complaints are unique to that sport. Only one in a million (figuratively, exact numbers vary) of kids who take up any sport make it to the highest levels of competition, and there is always a trail of broken dreams and injuries among those left behind.

Buzzy also thinks there is unhealthy erotic interest in the performers, but whose responsibility is that? Bob Costas certainly isn't promoting it, he's too busy slavering over beach volleyball.

5) Performance enhancing drugs -- the subject of my next post.